Question: "When was the first time medicine was mentioned in the Bible?"
Answer: It was when God gave Moses the tablets!
O.K., so that was lame! And I suppose it might be offensive to someone (everything's offensive to someone!), but its clean, good hearted humor (unlike the PG 13 humor on my "Poop: The Real Meaning of Life" page below!).
Question: "Did you know that God has a motor cycle?"
Answer: Its true! The Bible speaks of the Day of the Lord's Triumph!"
Question: What is God's real Name?
Answer: Its Howard! Jesus said: Our Father Who is in heaven, Howard by thy Name...
I don't like humor and satire that slams individuals or groups (well, there are some... )
If you are offended by anything you read here, feel free to let me know and I'll consider removing or editing it (or you could try to out-do it! -- that could be fun for everyone!). But I'm NOT into the whole PC thing so I hope your skin's not too thin! Some of what you find IS pretty racy!
Just try and remember that laughter is the best medicine -- and let's face it, we're all at least a little "sick!"
World Religion In A Nutshell
A New Religious/Philosophical Analysis of Toys For the New Millennium:
Offered with love and respect for the world religions and their practitioners. Anglican:
They were our toys first | Agnosticism:
It is not possible to know whether
toys make a bit of difference. | Atheism:
There is no toy maker. | Amish:
Toys with batteries are surely a sin. | BaHai:
All toys are just fine with us,
But ours is the newest and best. | Baptist:
Once played, always played. |
Capitalism:
Whoever dies with the most toys, wins. | Catholicism:
Whoever denies the self the most toys, wins. | Christian Science:
If your toy breaks, don't fix it, just pray. | Church of Christ:
Whoever's toys make music, loses. | Church of Christ, Scientist:
We are the toys. | Communism:
Everyone gets the same number of toys,
and you better not try selling yours! |
|---|
Confucianism:
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry. | Conservative Judaism:
Some toys just ain't kosher | Creationism:
In the beginning God made Adam and Eve
the serpent costs extra. | Evolutionism:
The toys made themselves. | Existentialism:
Toys are a figment of your imagination. | Fundamentalists:
There is only one right way to play with your toys |
|---|
Greek Orthodox:
No, they were OURS first. | Hare Krishna:
Whoever buys God the most toys, wins. | Hare Krishnas:
Please, take this flower and buy our toys. | Hedonism:
To heck with the rule book!? Let's play! | Hinduism:
Whoever eats the plastic farm animals, loses. | Shiite Islam:
The Mother of all Toys:
Jihad Action Figures |
|---|
Jehovah's Witnesses:
Whoever sells the most toys door-to-door, wins. | M.C.C.er's:
How about a nice Adam and Steve doll? | Mormonism:
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants. | Non-denominationalism:
We don't care where the toys came from, let's just play with them. | Pentecostalism:
Pull the string,
If they talk, you win. | Polytheism:
There are many toy makers. |
|---|
7th Day Adventist:
Whoever plays with toys on Saturday, loses. | Taoism:
The toy which can be played with,
is not the real toy. | Voodoo:
Let me borrow that doll for a second... |
|---|
THE RED PHONE
There was a simple and little Hindu priest who lived in Mathura, India. Once he had the chance to go visit the Pope at the Vatican in Italy. After traveling to the Vatican, he walked up the steps and through the halls of the opulent building where the Pope stayed. He looked in awe at the beautiful marble floors and majestic columns. Then he came into the Pope’s office and he greeted the Pope who was seated behind his desk. The little Hindu priest sat nearby and they exchanged pleasantries. Then the Hindu priest noticed a red phone sitting at the end of the desk. So the Hindu priest asked what it was.
“Oh, that’s my hotline to God,” replied the Pope. “Whenever things get too difficult and I need to have a personal talk with God, I give Him a call.”
“Oh,” said the priest. “Would you mind if I tried it?”
“No, not at all,” the Pope responded.
So the little Hindu priest picked up the phone, dialed the number, and sure enough, he got through to God. So he offered his respects and prayers, said he was very happy to talk to Him, and then hung up the phone after only five minutes. He was a simple priest and did not have much more to say to God. He then thanked the Pope for the privilege of using the special red phone.
The Pope replied, “Oh that is quite all right. By the way, that will be $75.”
“Seventy-five dollars?” inquired the Hindu priest.
“Oh yes,” said the Pope. “You know, long distance charges. It’s a long way from here to God, you know.”
So the priest pulled out his wallet and gave the pope the seventy-five dollars.
Several months later, the Pope had the opportunity to visit India, and it was arranged for him to come to Mathura and visit the little Hindu priest. So the Pope approached the little hut of the Hindu priest, ducking his head as he walked through the door. He sat in a chair in front of the little table where the Hindu priest was pleased to again meet the Pope. They exchanged greetings when the Pope noticed the same kind of red phone on the priest’s table as he had at the Vatican. So the Pope asked what that was.
“Why, I also have a hotline to God,” replied the Hindu priest.
“Do you mind if I use it?” asked the Pope. “I really have a lot on my mind.”
“Please do,” responded the priest.
So the Pope got on the phone and got a good connection and managed to get through to God. He offered his prayers, but then had many things to discuss. He talked about the trouble in the Vatican, the difficulties with the priests and legal charges in the United States, the changing attitudes of the congregation in England and Europe, and so on. Fifteen minutes went by, then a half-hour, then finally after nearly an hour he was able to put the phone down. Then he said, “Thank you very much. I feel a lot better now. I had so much to talk about. By the way, how much will that be?”
The Hindu priest thought a moment and then said, “Two rupees.”
“What,” the Pope replied, surprised at how inexpensive it was. “Why so cheap?”
“Why don’t you know?” asked the little Hindu priest. “Here it is a local call.”
Borrowed from here
Just A Second! So this guy is talking to God and ask, "Hey God what does 100 million years seem like to you?"
God answered, " One hundred million years ? That's like a second to me."
Then the man ask, "Hey God, what's 100 million dollars seem like to you?"
One hundred million dollars? It seems like a penny to me."
So the guy says, "Hey God could I borrow a penny?"
And God answers, "Sure. Just a second."
God Will Save Me A big storm approaches. The weatherman urges everyone to get out of town. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The morning of the storm, the police go through the neighborhood with a sound truck telling everyone to evacuate. The priest says "I won't worry, God will save me".
The storm drains back up and there is an inch of water standing in the street. A fire truck comes by to pick up the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises another foot. A national guard truck comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises some more. The priest is forced up to his roof. A boat comes by to rescue the priest. He tells them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises higher. The priest is forced up to the very top of his roof. A helicopter comes to rescue the priest. He shouts up at them "Don't worry, God will save me."
The water rises above his house, and the priest drowns.
When he gets up to heaven he says to God "I've been your faithful servant ever since I was born! Why didn't you save me?"
God replies "First I sent you a fire truck, then the national guard, then a boat, and then a helicopter. What more do you want from me!!??"
Here's Where the Fun Begins!
The Original Not-So-Sacred Chapters!
Read 'Em and Weep! With Laughter!
Go to: Gender Humor
Go to: Political Humor
Go to: Is Obama a machine?
Go to: "Nekkid Humor!"
Go to: Another Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Enlightenment
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Go to: God Jokes
Go to: Is there Humor After Death?
Go to: Can There be Peace in Our Time?
Go to: Real letters to God from kids.
Go to: Poop: The real meaning of life!
- Please be advised: Much of the humor on this page is a bit risque'
Go to: Speaking Words of Wisdom?
Go to Oxymorons
Go to: Liar (I mean Lawyer) Jokes.
Go to: PG13 Humor
- Please be advised: Much of the humor on this page is a bit risque'
Go to: Computer Humor and Satire
Microsoft's plan to
Go to: More Computer Humor and Satire
Go to: "All your base are belong to us!"
My tribute page to the official home of the video that kicked off the "All your Base" craze, transforming it from a tiny inside joke to an explosively popular internet phenomenon!
Go to: The last web site on the internet.
Go to: The Not So Sacred Shroud of John Not The Apostle
Go To: Our Mental Health Hot Line!
Don't go to: This Annoying Page!
Go to: This Will Make You Smile!
May I suggest? The Ancient and Noble Path of Chickenism
Could this be the Big Bang?!!!
Nobody expects the Spanish inquisition! Go to: Landover Baptist Church, no really, Visit this site!!!! But pray first!!!!
Go to: The Electric Frog
This site will tick you off if you're a Christian with thin skin! Fortunately, I'm a Christian with thick skin, and I think much of it is hilarious! For sure, they go too far at times, in my opinion, but any site that comes up: "Lives of the Saints," or "Why God has a Headache" can't be all bad! Two blasphemous thumbs up!
Go to: Internet photo
- Smile! At this site you can have your photo taken for free directly through the internet!.
Go to: Play: Find the Spam!
Possibly the most difficult game on the entire Internet! Find the Spam! Come on ladies, if you're man enough!
Go to: And now for something else completely different... (Hey! isn't that the same thing?)...
- Monty Python and ... Don't forget: THE LARCH
Monkeys on human evolution Three monkeys sat in a coconut tree,
Discussing things as they'd said to be.
Said one to the others, "Now listen you two,
There's a certain rumour that can't be true -
That man descended from our noble race,
The very idea is a disgrace.
No monkey ever deserted his wife,
starved the kids and ruined her life,
And whoever heard of a mother monk,
Leaving her kids with others to bunk;
Or passing them off from one to the other.
Till they scarcely know who was their mother.
Another thing that you never will see,
Is a monk build a fence around a coconut tree,
Forbidding all other monks to taste;
Letting the coconuts go to waste.
Why? If I built a fence around my coconut tree
Starvation would force you to steal from me.
Another thing that a monk wont do,
Is get out at night and go on a stew,
And use a gun, or club, or knife
To take another monkey's life.
Yes, man descended, the "so and so" cuss,
But brother, he didn't descend from us!"
Anon
Thank You For Reading
The Not-So Sacred Book of John Not The Apostle!
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